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Graveyard Shift (Dennis the Young Frankenstein) (Transcript)
This is a transcript for Dennis the Young Frankenstein's pilot episode. Narrator: Ah, Nosferatu's Castle and Monster Supplies Shop. Monstertown's premiere nighttime supply shop. Where it will be closing time right about ... Dennis: (talks cheerfully as he switches the Open sign to Closed) Now! 7:00! So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is: (pulls out a picture frame of his girlfriend Scarecrow) Scarecrow. (Dr. Frankenstein shows up at the door and knocks on it) What? Dr. Frankenstein: Are you open? Nosferatu: (points to sign) Read the sign. Dr. Frankenstein: I'll have a Frankenstein arm and a Werewolf's head. Nosferatu: No, you won't! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. Dr. Frankenstein: Well fine, if you don't want my money! Boss: (says cheerfully) MONEY?!(Nosferatu's Boss then falls from the ceiling on top of Nosferatu) You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money? Dr. Frankenstein: (pulls out cash, 3 unnamed people appear behind him) Sure! Boss: Mr. Nosferatu, (tears up the Closed sign) welcome to the night shift. From now on, Nosferatu's Monster Supplies Shop is open 24 hours the night. Nosferatu: WHAT!? (crowd of unnamed people barge in cheering) Dennis: Wow! Now we never have to stop working! Nosferatu: Boss.. Boss: See ya in the morning, boys! (leaves) Dennis: Isn't this great, Uncle Nosferatu?! Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours then the moon will come up and it'll be tomorrow night and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and we'll be covered with grease! (jumps on cash register counter) Are you ready to rock, Uncle Nosferatu?! Nosferatu: Of course, my boy (rubs Dennis' head). Dennis: Good! 'Cause we've got customers! Nosferatu: (Sandals walks up to counter; Squidward hands him a baseball bat) Here. Please hit me as hard as you can. Dennis: Psst, uncle. I'm working in the laboratory (laughs) at night! Nosferatu: (takes hat off; leans head on counter) Don't hold back. Dennis: (cuts to Dennis in laboratory) Hey Uncle Nosferatu. Guess what, I'm creating arms..at night. (cuts to Dennis in the bathroom wiping it clean with himself) Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom...at night. (cuts to Dennis at the grill picking up spatula, misses the spatula and hits the grill; screams) I BURNED MY HAND!!...Wait a minute. I don't have arms. (cuts to Dennis walking on the counter, singing to the tune of Charge) Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-na-night! NIGHT! Nosferatu: WILL YOU PLEASE?! Here, (hands Dennis a bag of garbage) give me a moment's peace and take out the trash! Dennis: All right! (takes bag from Nosferatu) Taking out the trash. Taking out the trash...at night. (stops at the door) You mean outside? Nosferatu: That's where the dumpster is, yes. Dennis: I don't know, Uncle Nosferatu, (leans face against window) it's kinda dark out there. Nosferatu: But I thought you liked the night shift. Dennis: You're right! (lifts bag over his head) For Uncle Nosferatu's castle! (runs out of the building to the dumpster, screaming and panicking the whole way; reenters the building panting heavily.) confidently Piece of cake! Nosferatu: So you're not afraid? Dennis: Pfft, nah. Nosferatu: Well I am. And especially after, (looks around, gulps) well, you know. Dennis: (turns around) What? What do I know? Nosferatu: You don't remember? He was all over the Yorkshire moors. Dennis: Tell me! Tell me! Nosferatu: No, no, no, no, I probably shouldn't. It would ruin the night shift for you. a sympathetic look, then smiles slyly Dennis: (excitedly) What happened, what happened, what happened!? Nosferatu: You mean you've never heard the story of the (thinks) "Hash-Slinging Slasher?" Dennis: The Slash-Bringing Hasher? Nosferatu: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! Dennis: The Sash-Ringing, the Trash-Singing, Mash-Flinging, The Flash-Stringing, Ringing, The Cr-Crash-Dinging, daa! Nosferatu: Yes. The Hash-Slinging Slasher. But, most people just call him The Ha (breaks into scream) because that's all they have time to say before he GET THE! Dennis: (begging) Tell me the story! Nosferatu: Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be an assistant - just like you - only clumsier. And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties ....it happened. Dennis: He forgot the secret legs? Nosferatu: No. Dennis: He didn't dry his hands? Nosferatu: No! Dennis: Irregular portions? Nosferatu: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake. Dennis: You mean like this? (pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place) Or like this? (pulls it again, another one grows back) Or this? (does it again) Or this? (does it again) But what about this? Or this, or this, or this. Nosferatu: (interrupts) Except he wasn't a Frankenstein! Dennis: So? Nosferatu: SO IT DIDN'T GROW BACK! Dennis: (screams) OH, NO! (all extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away) Nosferatu: And he replaced his hand with a rusty spatula. And then, he got hit by a bus! And..at his funeral, they fired him! So now, every...what day is it? Dennis: Saturday. Nosferatu: Saturday night, his ghost returns to my domain to wreak his horrible vengeance. Dennis: (gasps) But tonight's Saturday night! Nosferatu: Then he'll be coming. Dennis: How will we know? Nosferatu: There are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First, the lights will flicker on and off. Next.. Customer: (interrupts) Dude, can I have a Dracula head? Nosferatu: Oh, here you go. (hands customer Dracula head) Next, the phone will ring and there will be nobody there. (shows Dennis eating his fingernails) And finally, the Hash-Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of the bus that ran him over. (shows Dennis eating his fingernails, starts eating his arms, the arms regrows and he eats those and then he eats his arms like popcorn) Then he exits the bus and crosses the street without looking both ways because he's already dead! Then he taps on the window with his grizzly spatula hand.. Dennis: No. Nosferatu: He opens the door (pushes his arm to Dennis' face, making it looking like he's a door that's being opened; while doing this he imitates the sound of a squeaky door opening) torwards Dennis's face, which sinks in He slowly approaches the counter echoes menacingly...and you know what he does next? Dennis: What? Nosferatu: You really want to know? Dennis: What? Nosferatu: Are you sure you want to know? Dennis: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DOES HE DO?!?! Nosferatu: (sneaks up on Dennis, taps him) He gets ya! (Dennis now screams repeatedly for about 20 seconds while Squidward is laughing) Dennis: Dennis... (continues screaming) Dennis I wa... (screaming continues) I was ju... (Dennis' pupils are now screaming too) I was (screaming continues) DENNIS I WAS JOKING! Dennis: What? Nosferatu: It's not true! None of it's true! Dennis: It's not? Nosferatu: Of course not. Nobody has a spatula for a hand. It was all a joke. Dennis: Ohhhhh. repeatedly like he did with screaming DAAAAAHAHA DAAAAAHAHA DAAAAAHAHA DAAAAAHAHA DAAAAAHAHA DAAAAAHAHA DAAAAAHAHA DAAAAAHAHA. into later in the night. Shows Nosferatu's Castle with a big sign that says 'Open Forever' (Nosferatu and Dennis are shown at the counter reading a book. Dennis gets up and leaves. Nosferatu hears spooky noises and feels water dripping on him but he doesn't know what it is) Dennis: (on the ceiling wearing suction cups cleaning) Isn't this great, Uncle Nosferatu? gets startled There's never time to mud the ceiling during the day. Nosferatu: (says to himself) Open 24 hours a night. What a stupid idea! Who wants to create a Frankenstein monster at two in the morning? (cuts to Phantom of the Opera's bedroom) Phantom: (Phantom's alarm clock goes off) Oh boy! Two A.M.! (whips out a laboratory table and starts to create Frankenstein; cuts back to Nosferatu's Castle) Nosferatu: Just look at this place. It's like a ghost town in here! (lights start to flicker on and off) Very funny, nephew. Dennis: What? Nosferatu: "And the lights will flicker on and off." Just like the story. Ah, get it? no one is flickering the light switch and looks shocked Dennis: Hey Uncle Nosferatu, how are you doing that without moving the switch? Nosferatu: I'm not doing it. It must be the stupid, faulty wiring in here. This place isn't built to run 24 hours a night! (phone rings, Nosferatu picks it up) What, what, hello? Hello? Hello? Dennis: (walks up to the counter) Nice try, Uncle. Nosferatu: Nice try, what? Dennis: "The phone will ring and there shall be no one there." (giggles) You crack me up. Nosferatu: Dennis, I'm not doing this. (hangs up phone) Can you stay with me? Dennis: Sure. (goes back in the counter) Nosferatu: Oh no, calm down, calm down. All right, what was it? There was the lights, (lights flicker on and off) and the phone. (phone rings) Dennis: And the walls will ooze green slime! (walls start to ooze green slime) Nosferatu: Oh, wait. They always do that. But what was that third thing? (hears a motor, turns his head; a bus pulls up to the Nosferatu's castle's doors) Dennis: (hops out of the counter) I didn't know the buses ran this late. Nosferatu: They don't. (a man gets out of the bus and the bus pulls away, all Nosferatu and Dennis can see is his spooky outline) Dennis: Well they're dropping someone off. (from the outside, the man lifts his spatula) Dennis: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (to the point where his hair sticks from his head and starts wiggling) Nosferatu: THE SASH-RINGING, FLASH-SINGING, THE BASH-PINGING... Dennis: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! (starts to cry) Nosferatu: At last you understand! We're doomed! Dennis: No, that's not it. (wipes tear) I am just so touched that you would go through the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry cook and stand on the other side of the street, just to entertain me! You must really hate me! (cries again) Nosferatu: Dennis, there are two problems with your theory. One - I like you. And two - how can that be me when I'm standing right here!? (the man taps on the door with his spatula) Nosferatu: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (to the point where his eyelashes grow and start wiggling) Dennis & Nosferatu: THE HASH-SLINGING SLASHER!!! (the guy walks in the door and up to the counter) Nosferatu: Nephew, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of liked you. Dennis: Uncle Nosferatu, I used your supply of Frankenstein arms to unclog my room's toilet. Squidward: Huh? (The Invisible Man reaches the counter) The Invisible Man: Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. (holds up spatula) I called earlier but I hung up just because I was nervous. Dennis: Do you have references? Nosferatu: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus... Dennis: Then who was flickering the lights? (lights flicker on and off; Dennis, Nosferatu and the Invisible Man look over to see Dracula, Dennis' grandpa and Nosferatu's uncle) Dennis, Nosferatu & The Invisible Man: Dracula! (Dracula smiles) *light turns off